Don’t Steal their Noses
You have to be careful
what you teach your children because it might come back to haunt you in the
strangest of places, like the aisles of the local Wal-Mart for instance.
In the case of my
oldest daughter, she taught her children to be thieves and the end result was
mayhem in the cereal aisle. Not just any
kind of thieves mind you, no, she taught her children to be nose thieves and
mouth thieves.
Although I don’t
entirely know why, my daughter started trying to convince her children at an
early age that she could remove their noses from their face. She would do so by giving their nose a soft
pinch and then showing them how their nose was now held between her forefinger
and middle finger. She would pinch their
nose and then tell them “got your nose” and show them what they thought was
their nose but was in fact her thumb impersonating their nose.
It was a cute trick and
the kids laughed whenever their mom stole their nose because she would always
give it back. But that is where mothers
are different from children. Because
mothers will use a trick to delight their children and children will use a
trick to terrorize their sibling, which is what the “Steal Your Nose Trick” mutated
into.
If you could steal a
person’s nose, then certainly you could also steal their mouth and if you could
steal their mouth, then surely you could steal their entire head, which is what
my 4-year-old and 2-year-old grandsons decided to do whenever they had the
opportunity, they would steal each other’s body parts.
Now sibling body part
theft is all well and good when it is done in the relative calm of your own
home because you can, for the most part, yell at your children to give back his
brother’s head and be done with it. But
when you are in the cereal aisle of the local Wal-Mart ordering your children
to put your brother’s nose back on his face will have a tendency to alarm other
shoppers.
So it was that when my
2-year-old grandson suddenly reached up and tweaked his big brother’s mouth he
began to cry the Wal-Mart cry, which is just like a normal cry only several
decibels higher.
“What’s wrong with
you?” My daughter asked her wailing son.
“Ashtun stole my
mouth.” My 4-year-old grandson, Gavin,
told his mother.
At this point my daughter
did something that was doomed to failure even before she began. She attempted to talk reasonably to a 4 year
old boy crying the Wal-Mart cry.
“If Ashtun stole your
mouth, how are you talking?” She asked.
Gavin paused to
consider the complexities of her question and finally came up with a solution.
“With my spit!” He said
and began to cry all the louder because his little brother seemed on the verge
of throwing his mouth down the aisle.
It didn't take much
longer, perhaps two confused stares by passersby, for my daughter to do away
with the reasoning approach.
“Ashtun, you give back
your brother’s mouth right now.”
Ashtun slapped his
brother’s mouth back into place and while leaning close enough to slap his
brother’s mouth back into place Gavin reached up and stole his little brother’s
nose…and promptly ate it.
And great weeping and
wailing in the Wal-Mart cry echoed down the canyons of cereal.
Furious and still
crying that his big brother had stolen and eaten his hose, Ashtun stole back
his brother’s mouth and tossed it on the floor and then stole his nose and
right ear and threw it over the cereal aisle and Gavin again began to scream as
he stole Ashtun’s mouth and stuffed it inside his shirt.
My daughter began to
laugh at this time she reports but I wonder exactly what kind of laugh was it? Was it the hee hee laugh of one amused at the
antics of your children or was it the Jack Nicholson haa haaa haaa heee heee
heee that made people wonder about your sanity and if you might have an ax nearby they should be concerned about.
My daughter, for her part isn't telling but I have noticed a twitch in
her eye that wasn't there a couple of children ago.
The boys’ father,
having heard the Wal-Mart cries of his children from the other side of the
store, found his family and after having explained to him what the problem was,
carefully went about the process of picking up his children’s body parts
scattered across the floor of the store.
He returned Gavin and Ashtun’s nose, mouth and ear and the boys were
quiet and relatively happy.
For about 10 seconds,
when they both started to cry again.
“Now what?” My daughter
asked.
“You gave me Ashtun’s
mouth and nose,” Gavin wailed.
At this point is where I think my
daughter’s eye twitch became more pronounced. (Published in Deseret News Online and Family News.com)
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