Lessons in Mumblespeak

By James L. Davis

If there’s one thing I've learned about children over the years it is that it doesn't matter how firm your grasp may be on your own sanity, they will find new and inventive ways to pry your fingers free.

The amazing thing is the almost unlimited ways that children can find to further develop that nervous twitch in your eye. Take asking a simple question, for instance. You would think (if you were sane and rational) that asking a simple question would be a fairly straightforward proposition when dealing with your children. But in that you would be wrong.

If there was such a thing as the University of Parental Preparation one of the required courses I am quite sure would be one on effective questioning and if there was such a university and such a course I would sign up immediately because it is quite obvious that I need some help. I've learned through experience that it is not simply the words you use to phrase a question; it is the inflection in your voice that counts the most. I can ask my children the same question a dozen times and end up with a different answer each time, depending on the tone of my voice.

Usually the tone of my voice is one of resignation and defeat, which invokes a response from my children of complete disinterest. My children have taken this response pattern to new levels and they are now capable of answering my questions without even opening their mouths. Heartfelt questions from me such as “why is the toaster in the refrigerator?” are answered with a guttural “hm emm humm.” For those of you who do not understand Mumble­speak, allow me to translate. In this case, “hm emm humm” means “dear father, I was in the midst of doing my chores because I love you and I know that it is your desire that I perform my chores. So I was cleaning off the counters when I became distracted by the incessant buzzing of my cell phone text messaging, so I put the toaster in the refrigerator. Please, please, take my cell phone away from me so that I can concentrate at the task at hand. I am afraid that I am not as adept at multitasking as I had supposed  By the way, the milk is under the counter ” Of course, it could also mean “I didn't do it” or it could even be a mere guttural response to convince me to go and ask someone else.

Usually my children speak to me in Mum­blespeak when I am asking them such probing questions as “have you done your homework, chores, put the dog out, seen your brothers or sisters, spoken to your mom lately, had a good day, a bad day, brushed your teeth in the past week, seen my wallet, seen the money that used to be in my wallet or changed the cat litter box?”

Of course, because of the difficulty in translating Mumblespeak, as a family we quite often run into communication problems because my children have told me something in Mumble­speak that I have mistranslated. This usually occurs when they have a school assignment to complete, need a parent to provide transportation for them and eight of their closest friends, or have plans that require us to take out a second mortgage on the home to finance.

On more than one occasion I have been sitting quite comfortably in my recliner allowing my eyes to roll back in their sockets when one of my children will come up to me with a look of earnest anticipation on their face.

“Are you ready?” they will ask.

“Ready for what?”  I will ask back, letting my eyes roll forward again so I can see with them.

“You’re going to give us a ride to the mall, remember?”

My eyes at this point will begin to roll back in their socket again.

“No, I don’t remember. When did you ask?”

“Two weeks ago.”

“What did you ask?”

“I asked hm emm humm.”

“Well, of course you did.”

Occasionally my children will remember that they have spoken to me in Mumblespeak and they will have a moment of enlightenment when they realize that I may not have understood them. This usually occurs when I have asked them if they have homework and they respond with “humm humm emm hm” which means “dear father, of course I have homework. I fear that I may forget that I have homework, so please, please remind me so that I can get my homework done” which I have mistakenly translated to be “no, I don’t have any homework.”

Then, later in the evening, usually just as I am putting them to bed something in their mind pops (if you listen closely you can even hear this pop of clarity) and they remember that for some reason I have not reminded them that they have homework and they will become quite agitated because they have a 10 page essay on effective communication due in the morning.

At which point they will look at me pleadingly and ask “what am I going to do?”

To which I respond “hm emm humm.”